Grow (W)here You Are Planted

I sold my house today. I have 30 days to finish packing up 1/3 of everything I own and  get it into a truck and drive it to Florida. 1/3 because I have too much stuff. 1/3 because I desperately need to downsize. I'm excited and nervous and sad to leave my people and my places both of which have held me in this soup that has been my life. I'm looking forward to the new mornings, places to go,  family to see more than every couple of months. people to meet, life. In the process of weeding out the 'keep' items I found a slew of music I haven't listened to since 2009. Imagine it, songs that played while I played outside songs we listed to on the way to each other songs that reminded me of strength and love and sparkles songs that helped me be one with my broken heart. They all make me smile and realize how much I've grown. Funny to feel I've lived long enough to have my own seasons of life. This next on

Trying brings anxiety, not trying to open a jar, though I've certainly felt my share of anxiety at not being able to open a jar of ...well, anything but trying to be someone. Trying to make life happen a certain way. Anxiety surfaces when we try to force that which must not be forced. Life unfolds in its own time, at its own pace and trying to force it...trying, only makes everything a mess. So How do you move toward a goal in life? How do you move toward the life you want? the life that is yours? without creating a mess? Focus on small steps each day. do the work, make the call, mow the lawn, make dinner, play with your dog all the while keep the feeling of what you want in your heart see the life you want in your mind's eye remember to look up every once in a while and take a deep breath one of these days, when you look up, you will find you are living the life that is yours. What you seek is seeking you  -  Rumi

There's a bomb in my heart. I can see it in my mind's eye and it is bright, rolling, light screaming through movement. It's floating behind my ribs, spinning browns and whites and every color in between. It's growing every second and it makes me smile my back straight my eyes turn at the corners. Deep breath. There is wind and the sound of splashing waves. I am standing before myself and I am beautiful, taller and grander and stronger than I have ever imagined until now. Sand between my toes, hair blowing, darkness behind me, light before me a storm has come to my heart and it is everything I came to become. Photo : Pok Rie

at some point you have to make a choice you have to decide who you are and what you want this is that point Can we say "Geez!!"? I keep aiming and re-aiming myself at words, freelancing, blogging, Medium, notepad, Ecojot notebook I try to remember a couple of things while I feel like I'm floating in a beautiful sea no land in sight in any direction I turn, I know its out there... 1. My mom would often remind me that everything I want is just around the corner the trick is to be patient considering you can never actually know where that corner is to be found. 2. I remind myself that thoughts create reality so, when I find my thoughts spiraling down a drain of darkness and fear, I reign that shit in, go outside and look up at the sky and the trees and breathe deep and slow. 'Let the thoughts exist and go, only lightly focus on the ones that lead you in the direction of the life that is yours, the life that you want.' This moment in my

Photo credit: Steven Arenas When opening one's heart one must remember not to think. Do not think about who is listening, what they will think about what you are saying/writing/singing, whether or not your audience will 'look' at you differently. Focus on what you are sharing Focus on speaking the truth Remember who you are and Why you are here, now. Opening your heart may feel intense or big. You may find yourself trembling or breathing strangely. There may be thoughts in your head flying by so fast you have no idea what they are. Sometimes, you may fell as though it may prudent to stop altogether. When these feelings arise when they seem to be taking over your entire person when someone nearby, or even in your head, sees sweat forming on your brow and invariably mentions anxiety remember... breathe... Focus on what you are sharing Focus on speaking the truth Remember who you are and Why you are here, now.

Bhupendra Singh there are no levels words are spells that shape my reality I had to break myself I had to know I could break and rebuild life is leading me thru treasures inimitable in their magnitude and feeling open a window  look out the door up at the trees breathe I am the result of love between thousands  how beautiful and calming and inspiring generations of couples met fell in love brought life to the light lived  loved and died and I am here

I went home for a few days nothing clears the mind like laughter and the beach My brother often repeats words I've just said or phrases I've just uttered somehow hearing them outside of myself clarifies how funny I am The beach was windy to the point that it was almost too cold to sit in the sun and oh that sun...it was bright and lovely but the cold made it so I did not notice my skin burning now my shoulders and arms are itchy and red still red, 3 days later. It was worth it. Salt water and sand children running around free and shrieking with joy is always worth it. the renewal I feel after one visit after the walk from the car through white sands to that perfect spot the sitting, glancing around maybe reading something not expected to be inspiring but always is a visit to the water maybe a float through the sparkles then the walk back to the car hell yes always worth it. always worth it.

On this full moon I let go of fear fear of not being enough fear of being too much fear of having too much fear of not having enough I let go of pain and I let go of love. I let go of everything that is and everything I want to be. All of these feelings and more are now free to travel into me and through me find a space within where they can teach and stay or go as needed. I've noticed full moon nights are always windy nights something is always coming something else is always going I stood outside tonight and spoke magic into the wind I took a deep breath and tears of joy filled my eyes and then the wind stopped.

I learned about beauty from my mother. Every morning, Mom would brush my hair.  It was always a to do because my brother and I were not ‘wake up early’ people then.  I’m still not.  I used to think that when she touched me, even my hair, she could hear my thoughts like I was speaking them out loud.  There were a few mornings I found myself forcing positive thoughts about her in my head so she wouldn’t know I was still mad about having to clean my room the day before.  The rule was that no matter what, hair had to look good for school. I was 12 or 13 the first time I ‘got ready’ for a real party, with boys and hormones, and I remember she helped me put on some makeup and perfume.  I had gotten my period recently and I think she had decided it was time to see what I thought about the next level of womanhood.  It was the first time I saw myself as pretty.  I wore a red pencil skirt and an oversized white button down shirt.  It was the 80’s.  There were a few more parties she helped

They say 'write the thing that scares you'.  What happens when so many things scare you that you can't choose?  Oh, there it is.  The thing that scares me the most is admitting I'm afraid. I'm afraid of all the things.  I am enough, I'm not enough, I'm going to be successful, I'm not...I will find my love, I won't...I can make and live the life I want, I can't...What the hell am I supposed to do with that? My higher brain knows all the right bits.  It knows I will succeed, it knows I am enough and it knows this is all I need to know to create my life.  But my core is tight.  Not from sit-ups or toes to bar but because that is the place where I keep my fear.  It's constantly reminding myself that I have to look outside sometimes.  I have to go for a hike or a beach day and let myself realize my strength.  I have to remember that I am but a speck in this infinite universe, on this spinning ball, hurtling through space in close proximity,

We’ll all (hopefully) get to an age where the lines on our face s  will show what we’ve thought, what we’ve felt, what we’ve wanted and gained or lost, what we’ve shared.  Remember this and find what makes you smile mid-thought, find someone who requires from you a powerful love and returns it.  Find your spark and then find the thing in life that feeds it.  Even if you don’t find it, the searching is just as important.     The lines on my grandmother’s face, though few, were turned up from a lifetime of loud laughter and this gives me hope that, in my genes, is the propensity for great love, great happiness and great strength.  May we all remember and know that these strengths are within us and have been since birth we have only to believe.    Everything you need is inside you.  Treat yourself with love and you will open.   Pretend you are love until you remember you are love.    

The squirrels in the trees in my backyard like to drop down to different branches.  I thought about this for a while today while I watched them and I realized they drop, not because it is easy, but because they will go any direction to get onto the better branch.  The stronger branch. The branch with more food on it. I've been thinking that I failed.  I moved up the ladder and failed.  Then I fell off of the ladder. Turns out, I just needed to get onto a better branch.  I needed to get onto MY ladder because there are so many ladders it looks like that scene in The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus.  There's an open field and there's a slew of ladders standing up all over the field.  We all get to choose which one we're going to climb.  What no one tells you is you can climb one, change your mind or fall off, and choose another one.  Any ladder that exists is yours for the climbing.  I'll tell you something else, though its a theory as of this moment, you can make your

mhmm I've been writing a lot.  I've been posting a lot.  I've added a link to my stories on Medium down below. I can't afford a therapist right now so, instead, I'm writing... everything that's on my mind.  Mostly working to find how my mind works and develop that into a path to writing a book.  I've toyed with some ideas...started some stories.  There's one about an octopus looking for her family that I thought could help to kids living in foster care.  There's another, grimier one, about a guy who's in love and decides to get his life in order so he can prove himself to the woman he loves.  Haven't found my story yet but on I search. Most of my writings feel like they might be dark or sad.  I think that's ok...gotta get it out somehow.  And anyway, I have a dark mind.  Things make me laugh that many find distasteful.  I"m ok with that because I am also full of love for all the bright things in the world and in people.

The light in Georgia, in the spring, is something else. it’s not the difficult thing that’s fun it’s the after the overcoming of it getting to the other side of fear, pain, stress,  confusion. that is the secret, you know, you have to go through the thing that’s what makes the after worth while and, oh man, so good Breathe the after? it’s always better than you imagined. I pickled some red onions yesterday.  They are the best thing in the world, right now.  They are salty and a little sweet and they add a lovely zing to everything I've eaten the last couple of days.  I recommend them.  I'm figuring out what I want to do for work.  I need something that allows me time to write but also pays the bills.  I've figured out that I don't need much to live and it is an exciting time.    I just need to decide.

by Tookapic there are no answers there is only doing we get so stressed looking for answers  because we think  that the look  on some people’s faces  means they figured it out they have found the way to make sense of this life how to move forward in the midst of crippling fear or grief who to turn to when you feel completely alone how to make a change when it feels like you’re stuck neck deep in cold, wet mud how to let yourself be vulnerable when you’ve built a wall to keep even yourself out but that look is the look  of one who is busy finding themselves in the doing looking up at the sky rain or shine every day with calm gratitude 

how does the sea remember me.  every time.  - @nayyirah.waheed Most times I think I'm a sea grape.  Or a former dolphin.  Anything that benefits from being near the ocean. When I feel the sand under my feet I become centered.  When the saltwater wraps around me I can breathe.  It's really quite surprising that I live in a land-locked city.  I think the thing is hearing the call of the ocean and answering it.  Seven hours in a car, windows open so Lola can enjoy the wind and observe the world flying by and BOOM! family hugs and smiles, tasty food and that first quiet 45 minute drive, sunroof open, to my lifeline.  We did not go to the beach all the time when I was growing up in the D.R.  In fact, we only went when family came to visit.  What if I move to Tampa and I end up never going to the beach?  InsanitY.  Who am I kidding.  I'll just be at the beach every day.

Funny how a scene in a movie can take you out of yourself.  I was just thinking that I have the sweetest brother.  He made collages one Christmas full of family photos, memories of all the wonderful moments we have been lucky enough to live.  Mine reminds me to stop and be.  I think of our parents when I look at this framed life reel.  Ours were the best parents anyone could ever have and the fact that I got a life with them is epic. You know how, in movies, the hero has a moment where the mentos tells them they have to find the strength?  The camera turns back to the hero and the look in her eye changes.  Sometimes she immediately turns to the 'thing', without hesitation, and takes the next step. This is the Before.

Photo Credit: Jill Wellington She appeared one afternoon, in the quad.  I’d never seen her before and I could guess it was her first day on campus from the way she looked at everyone and everything.  Her gaze seemed to linger on the smallest details, the leaves on the ginko tree by the cafeteria, the way everyone’s legs moved when they walked by, the light snow falling in the late afternoon sun.   I watched her for a while, from the fraternity's doorway.  I was late for my Russian class in Main Hall but I couldn’t stop myself from wondering where she had come from.  I took a step toward her and my movement caught her eye in the relative quiet of the quad.  We both froze. I held my breath.  She turned and ran before I could exhale, disappearing into the trees behind Sunshine hall.

I was reminded recently that the world is a beautiful place.  In the middle of holiday preparations and wishes for the life of my dreams, my aunt reminded me this blog existed.  As I open the page today I realize, quite excitedly, that it is time to change the page.  The title holds, though.  I can name several times in my life where growth took me from one life to another and from one me to another.   Today, this week, this year is no different.