 |
| photo credit : Rebecca Scott |
John and Linda
were kind and strong,
full of love and easy to laughter,
powerful beyond universe,
unflinching and to the point.
They moved forward with an ease that I am still learning to settle into
it started early
my worry about money
the 4 of us, mom dad bro and me would do everything together
it rocked
when we’d drive home from school
or to the store
or to/from anywhere
my parents would talk about money
how to make what we had work
what needs took precedence
being the oldest and a Capricorn
I would make sure to be quiet
so they could have the space to figure things out
and in that quiet, I’d listen
I have never developed a positive process with money
I often buy more than I need
just in case i run out of money
I’ve aways been a spender
as soon as I have some extra
I proceed to shop for all the things I couldn’t buy before the influx
This is, insanely, the first time I’ve had this realization...I’ve often thought about the memory but never in the context of
recognizing it as trauma
never realizing it is something I can work through
wild
trauma seems like a lot of word
it feels like too much
I think it’s because when I think of the trauma happening around the world
mine feels like nothing
but I’ve got to remember not to compare
I can only experience my life
and, in this life, what I may think is a mild trauma has morphed
over many years into a mess of missed trips
late bill payments and many payment arrangements
wouldn't my life be different if I could just find the other side?
I’m doing that right now
I truly believe the naming of the thing is light years toward overcoming the thing
thank you full moon
at some point you have to make a choice
you have to decide who you are
and what you want
this is that point
Can we say "Geez!!"?
I keep aiming myself at words
freelancing, blogging, Medium, notepad, Ecojot notebook
I try to remember a couple of things while I feel like I'm floating in a beautiful sea
no land in sight in any direction I turn.
I know its out there...
1. My mom would often remind me that everything I want is just around the corner
the trick is to be patient considering you can never actually know where that corner is
2. I remind myself that thoughts create reality
so, when I find my thoughts spiraling down a drain of darkness and fear,
I reign that shit in, go outside and look up at the sky and the trees and breathe deep and slow.
'Let the thoughts exist and go, only lightly focus on the ones that lead you in the direction of the life that is yours, the life that you want.'
This moment in my life is not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't think it's supposed to be.
Just like the level of pain and sadness I still feel at the loss of my parents is equal only to the love between us,
so too is the amount of strength I need to move through this moment equal to the unimaginable life that is mine.
