Something happened
and I changed.
Maybe it was years of loneliness
covered in the love of my friends and family
Maybe it was the car accident that took them from us
Maybe it was getting fired from a company I chose to give 16 years of my life to
Maybe it was months of sending my resume out and receiving rejection after rejection
all the while
running out of money, focusing too hard on all the things I cannot change.
My life is good but there are in between moments of not good
so much stress I think about becoming a cliche
How is it I did everything 'right' and still find myself here?
first, there is no 'right'.
There is only a choice to be made, right or wrong.
There's even a choice to choose.
The thing to understand...and then remember when all seems lost
is that this is MY life. EVERY choice I make is mine to make and mine to live
and each one is exactly the choice I must make
every moment of every day
though my mind seems lost right now
and my days are spent forcing myself to focus on the goals, the dreams and the doing
my hands and feet slide in the sand and I get stuck looking behind me at a gaping hole
I must look forward
and even squint my eyes a bit to look really far ahead
see who I want to be
and be.
-Wrote this a couple of months ago when feeling especially down about my life. I was running out of money and I could not, for the life of me, get my breathing to slow down. My sleep suffered as well, I was only getting a couple hours a night.
Let this be clear...the reason we use the word 'spiral' so much when talking about and describing a seemingly consistent fall from what is normal, and regular and 'paid on time' is because each 'bad' decision leads to another and another until all that is left is 'bad' decisions and bad feelings. As hard as it will feel, you MUST remember that NONE OF THIS IS BAD. All that is happening here is that your life is changing, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.
Remember who you are, remember there is love in your heart and please remember you are NOT ALONE.
Today I find myself in a different place. I am still working on ways to make enough money to liberate myself from having to think about...well, money. I am still faced with stress and I still work,all the time, to figure things out.
I am also breathing more calmly, seeing the light and beauty in the world around me where I couldn't before. I have more moments of clarity and warmth than ever before in my life and I feel more confident in my 'chill skills'. every day I reminded myself that the only constant in life is change and that whatever moment or feeling or darkness I found myself in would inevitably pass..I just had to hold on.
Live in power and love and all will be well.
R
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