Grow (W)here You Are Planted

photo credit : Rebecca Scott John and Linda were kind and strong, full of love and easy to laughter, powerful beyond universe, unflinching and to the point. They moved forward with an ease that I am still learning to settle into it started early my worry about money the 4 of us, mom dad bro and me would do everything together it rocked when we’d drive home from school or to the store or to/from anywhere my parents would talk about money how to make what we had work what needs took precedence being the oldest and a Capricorn I would make sure to be quiet so they could have the space to figure things out and in that quiet, I’d listen I have never developed a positive process with money I often buy more than I need just in case i run out of money  I’ve aways been a spender as soon as I have some extra I proceed to shop for all the things I couldn’t buy before the influx This is, insanely, the first time I’ve had this realization...I’

Rebecca Scott it’s  been years... years of figuring out who to be, where to be, why to be. fluttering moments of bookended with such trying. I can only hope it was for a reason. it was. I had to get here somehow and  I could only walk this path. Here. Am I here? do I exist or am I just dreaming so? what happens to me when the dreamer awakes? is she already and just a little sleepy still? —sometimes when I wake in the morning when I just gaze at the back-lit curtain, letting thoughts become what they wish, I smile. This one is really interesting and wild.    I must remember what I felt during this other bit and grow it patiently in the real.    It’s like finding puzzle pieces in the dark and then finding where they fit.

Photo Credit : Rebecca Scott Sunny Today I find myself three and a half months into another life. I wake look for work online send resumes research, website building, best product descriptions for items I'm selling on Etsy (I still have too much stuff) I feel like  a slacker. I got my first job when I was sixteen and, except for 4 months in my 20's, I've always had a job.  I need a job now but I'm torn.  I don't want to work in an office but I want to make relatively good money.  I want to work from home, not have to dress up, and make my own hours.  I'm good about self-discipline when it comes to making time to get remote work completed but apparently not about getting the work in the first place.  Maybe this pandemic will help... ___________________________________________________________________________________ A few months ago, things were different.  I could not have guessed where we would be as a world today.  I may be the only one that feels th

Rebecca Scott In the second act the hero is placed into a situation that is unsolvable. she is put in jeopardy. you, the reader, don't know how it's going to turn out. Guess what? the hero is aware of where she has been placed. She also has no idea how this is going to turn out. she only knows she must take each step, be aware of the now and choose a direction. each step is hers to take and she will do so with whatever feeling she must to make it so. She is, after all, the hero of this story. And I know who I am. 

TV Screen Capture - Rebecca Scott I Love Dick by Chris Kraus does a fantastic job of showing the creative process... sometimes it's easy, one person walks by and everything that your inner voice has been murmuring inside your head suddenly... becomes an entire moment alights and flows all around your line of sight. colors and sounds create a mood or extend the one you are already in, perhaps they even create a smile. Other times it travels through a question in your head into cataloged imagery and sounds as you travel a path through your brain...maybe even walking along  a new wrinkle and then you realize there are indeed new ways of seeing things  and all you have to do is reach out  and grab the potential thought, images, scenes,  sounds  all travel in rivers just within reach of each us grab as you please, mold into a form  and share when ready. - I watched this on Amazon Prime and I love it.  I binge watch the season every couple of months because it is a 'whole mood

Image by  Musa Ortaç  from  Pixabay   At some point I matured. I learned how to be emotional. I walk through pain with my head held high. I still stumble and I still feel like I'm breaking but, as they say 'when you are going through hell, keep going'.* well, time allows you to imagine survival and survival looks amazing. it actually looks more like thriving... bright-colorful-breezy-candlelit-sparkle-ocean-wave-warm-on-the-toes thriving. Lets dance, off-beat, all over this floor, this brand new floor that doesn't yet smell of Fritos and toes. And in this cardboard padded room that makes me smile when rays highlight the dust in the air and remind me of the earth's spinning and coiling through nothing and everything And I'll stand chest out, hair moving lightly, epic soundtrack in the background or maybe just something sweet, a guitar.

It is impractical to go broke while teaching yourself how to make a new life. It is impractical to not get a job to pay bills while you re-build yourself. I must be insane to put myself in this position. I am breaking hearts...including my own. To make this new life I've had to give up so much already In my strongest moments I think about the drawings my Dad gave me for Christmas 2 years before he died.  I don't know where they are...really I only know they are not with me and it hurts. It's a sharp pain.  It's a jagged, heavy rock spinning wildly in my throat and the only way to release the pressure of the million sharp cuts to my esophagus is to cry my little heart out. And they say crying doesn't help anything... More will have to go.  All of me, I'm sure. More will have to be sacrificed to the Goddess so that I may grow strong lungs, a mighty endurance and a wild heart.  Only with this growth will I be able to shine like the sun. It is practica

Something happened and I changed. Maybe it was years of loneliness covered in the love of my friends and family Maybe it was the car accident that took them from us Maybe it was getting fired from a company I chose to give 16 years of my life to Maybe it was months of sending my resume out and receiving rejection after rejection all the while running out of money, focusing too hard on all the things I cannot change. My life is good but there are in between moments of not good so much stress I think about becoming a cliche How is it I did everything 'right' and still find myself here? first, there is no 'right'. There is only a choice to be made, right or wrong. There's even a choice to choose. The thing to understand...and then remember when all seems lost is that this is MY life.  EVERY choice I make is mine to make and mine to live and each one is exactly the choice I must make  every moment of every day though my mind seems lost right now and