I’m having a day.
The kind of day that feels like everything is going wrong. I can’t get my Internet to work which means I can’t work which means I won’t get paid which means my scheduled-to-actually-worked score will decrease which means I’ll get fewer hours which means I’ll make even less money.
and
I’m already not making enough money because this is a part time job plus I’m not receiving the $600 a week unemployment insurance because people in other situations, in other places are making decisions that affect me directly and I have allowed that to be the case by not taking full control of my life much earlier because I was still putting myself together with the pieces left after many years of grieving in the place where my heart broke...where I spent so much time trying to rebuild instead building anew.
And let's talk about control...I mean control as much as ‘control’ means to me not what it may mean to you, what the dictionary defines it as so,
I’m in my bed, the outage continues until 4:30pm Eastern.
I will try my internet again then and work the rest of my shift.
Also, I have too many bills that I can’t currently pay and I feel... tight.
The thing about all of that is I could let these things become negative energy in my life and in my mind and heart but really it actually means that I am violently close.
It must mean that.
You know in a pinball machine, when that silver ball that's been shoved and kicked and shoved all over the place and it just spins and spins and spins and, the closer it gets to the hole the tighter and harder everything seems to get and feel? In that spot where, once it falls in the hole, all the lights are going to go off and all the bells and all the sparkles and all the fun will happen? This is where I am. About to land in the hole. About to hit the mark.
Anyway, as I lay in my bed and breathe and watch Perry Mason, the new Perry Mason, I don’t know that actor's name but he’s hot and not in the classic Cary Grant or Brad Pitt 'oh my goodness look at that hotness, they’re so pretty in the face!!'
but a rougher, tastier way.
He looks really good in a suit and I like the energy behind his eyes = all the sexy.
see?? look at that, I thought of all the things that someone else, or me at another time, would’ve thought were negative and saw them as a positive. Holy shit!! I am a whole other person! I am a whole bitch right here right now I’m doing it!
I laugh at you thunder and lightning and my laughter drowns out your loudness and my light drowns out your pitiful flashes meant to scare and overpower.
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