The Truth

 

No Photos today.

Today  I’m mailing the first jewelry order from my Etsy store, 

https://www.etsy.com/shop/HotPinkBuddha 

and I’m so excited.  I want that feeling and set of actions to continue.  I want people to buy all my stuff because I love making stuff but I can’t make any more stuff until my stuff gets bought.

Today is hard though.  The build up of everything over time.  Waking up and getting a paycheck that is not enough, again, to pay all the things I need to pay and then to see that my unemployment, that Florida has you reapply for each quarter, is not yet approved and I sent all the information they need and it’s still not active and the last unemployment check I got was in August and not having any response from the jobs I’ve applied for.

I work so hard to be strong, to find the positive, or at least the hilarious, in my situation.  I try, and most times succeed, to appreciate the love around me, my family and friends even the ones I don't talk to...God, life is weird.  

And this is what happens, I get to a point where I start to think about all the things in my life that need changing and I get overwhelmed and I can almost literally see the whirlwind or my life just like a tornado just above y head getting bigger and bigger and developing a mind of its own to the point where it will overtake me.  And then I pick one thing to change, and then another, and then another and then, before I can get to all of them, the first one needs changing again or something has gone terribly wrong or it doesn't work with the changes I made to other life items down the road or I just ran out of energy or my vision, at some point or another so clear, becomes cloudy and I feel a wind above my head and I look up and...

tornado.

I took a mental health day. I gave up all the shifts because I can’t.

I woke up this morning and soon found myself ugly crying, for an hour from the depths of my soul because I don’t feel I can do this.  This life of mine is hard and I’m not good at asking for help because I know everybody’s working hard and everybody’s trying to keep it together and everybody’s dealing with the stress.  And when I do ask for help I feel like an asshole.

I can’t pay my bills.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t wanna start crying again because I feel like I keep making all the wrong decisions.  I feel like even choosing not to work today is a bad decision in a long line.  

This shit is so hard that I MUST to be on the right path. I have to be and because it’s a new path is the reason it’s difficult because I haven’t yet found my fucking machete to cut down all this tall ass motherfucking grass shit all around me making me blind to the path.  

I had a vision during the crying that in the choosing to come here, in that moment we are provided the full view of every moment we will have to live through, to survive, to thrive in and I feel like my dumb a$$ saw that shit, the way it was created for me, and it was already difficult and my a$$ decided to make it even more difficult because the level of difficulty is equal to the level of cleansing provided to the WHOLE.  The thing is I must make it.  I must succeed or I wouldn’t be here in the first place.  I wouldn’t be here in this moment of utter, tantrum legs kicking in bed in pain and desolation.

so one foot in front of the other.  I’m gonna mail this person their Buddha necklace and I’m going to get some food because that’s a need.  

 I just... what the fuck??

GOD dammit I started crying again.  Now I have to go un-blotch my face before I can leave the apartment.  

I’m gonna go love on my dog.

One positive about crying your heart out and first thing in the morning is when you’re finally done your face is so puffy that you can’t see any of your wrinkles.  How funny that after you cry, after a good, hard cry, your eyes are brighter ‘the better to see the next step in my life with’.

In an effort to remove all pride, I promised myself I would add this to this post today.  If, upon reading this post, any of you feel the push to donate to my cause…the cause of survival and paying bills and paying rent and being able to purchase a few more supplies to make more jewelry and to write more poetry and stories and to paint more home goods and to paint pictures and feelings on canvas…then I thank you from the bottom of my heart and my cash app is $BeccaMScott.

Know that your reading of my brokenness is another in a long line of steps to rebuilding this self I call Rebecca.  Updates, I'm sure, will follow.   Thank you for being my shrinks!  Writing is therapy, after all.