I have been on the path of introspection and growth for a long while now. All my life I've considered and questioned 'why' and 'why not' along the way, always secure in myself as self and never really questioning or doubting myself.
Whether the passing of time or the happenings in it, perhaps the combination of both, brought me to the point where I no longer felt safe as myself. My main safety blanket left this world about 13 years ago and I became afraid. Fear, in and of itself, is not an issue. It is not a problem to be solved but a curtain to walk through. Fear had become for me a wall. A solid wall covered in loudly voiced neon signs telling me to stay away, to not go near it, to not even question what may be on the other side.
It took some time but I realized, as I sat with this fear and let it wash over me until I almost drowned, that fear is a mirror and the girl looking at me is scared of me too.
So, over time and with much patience and respect she and I have learned that we are not separate. We see each other in the mirror as a reflection that is meant to help us learn how to let go of literally everything especially that which we fear to lose. We see interesting ways to grow strong within, and we learn how to find and then choose the parts of 'our-self' to strengthen, and then how to re-create my life.
Fear is a tool.
Other tools I have used in the process of deciding who I am and being, include the books I will list below.
As I read each of these, I found myself agreeing vigorously, crying deeply, and unfolding into an openness I didn't realize I needed. I had many moments of warmth wash over me to the point of clearer breath. I feel connected to these writers and what they share in these books in a way I hadn't experience with any other book ever.
It is my hope that you will read all of them. Don't worry, I'm not expecting anyone to go and buy all of them and then read them back to back, though I might have if I had known what I now know. I, like so many out in the world, know that these books can only be read when your soul is ready to understand. Everything does in fact have a time and place.
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Here they are in the order I read them:
The Subtle Art... is great writing. I'd take it to the beach with me to read and I would leave the cover on it...the same cover that is really bright orange and has the word fuck on it. The first few times at the beach with the book I had a bit of a hard time because I kept thinking maybe I shouldn't let the kids at the beach see the cover. It was a whole thing in my mind about 'oh, maybe that's innappropriate' But I simultaneously thought, it's just a word, and no one is worried about me, we are all so self-absorbed and I get to be wholly in the world too dammit! If I want to be the chick reading the book with the word FUCK on it, so what!??. My final thought? FUCK IT.
Handler's book is surprising. She takes the time to delve into herself in such an open and truthful manner that I found myself cheering for her and then for me, cryting for what she was holding onto and everything that was missed in the holding, and then crying for the same reasons for me. I came out the 'other side' feeling like I'd been caught in a current and could finally catch my own, very deep breath and I felt strong and open and full of love to share. I like it when people grow and change and I really like it when I get to witness it happening in others. I especially like it when I get to witness it within myself. Thank you Chelsea.
As soon as Abby Wambach announced Untamed on her IG profile, I clicked the link and pre-ordered. The book did not dissappoint. I had just moved back to Tampa to be closer to family after spending 12 years still not believing the reality of the world we now live in. The world that I'm supposed to live in until the end of my life. Reading Glennon's words, I found myself turned inside out. I looked at all my different textures born or made over a lifetime of moments and even stared at the ripped shreds left after a couple I love with every fiber of my being was taken from this world and I finally learned that there are no shoulds or deserves. The only word is must. I must and I must for me. I must not let myself down, I must love myself, I must be every inch who I am in any given moment, raging anger, sparkling smile, overwhelming deep breath, thunderous love. The loudest screams for the truth of being must be let free from my core because this world only spins if I do too.
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